A Feeling
by HAnu the TeApOt
Summary: An unexpected night encounter could change more life then one. In which Thomas tries to help Edward from sprawling further into the darkness of his own despair-Set in season 2 episode 2-


**Summary: An unexpected night encounter could change more life then one. In which Thomas tries to help Edward from sprawling further into the darkness of his own despair-Set in season 2 episode 2.**

**Warning: Rated for language. Also talk of self-loathing and brief mention of suicide**

**Disclaimer: unfortunately not mine**

**A/N: Hope you enjoy!**

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_ A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love-Stendhal_

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A Feeling

The leafy canopy of the tree combined with the darkness of the night obscured Thomas from sight and he was grateful for this one moment of peace. He inhaled his cigarette blissful, letting it engulf him and he tried to repress the thoughts battling to enter the forefront of his mind. He had failed to convince Dr Clarkson of what was best and for once his action weren't motivated by his own self-interest (well not entirely at least),but it was all for nothing. He tossed his cigarette to the ground, dug it into the earth with the heel of his shoe and walked back up to the hospital, taking comfort in the fact it was nearly time for lights out.

He watched the passing silhouettes of nurses and patients getting on with their duties and nightly routines by the drape curtains, when his eyes caught sight of a familiar figure sitting on the bench on the side of building, illuminated by the flimsy lamppost, and smiled.

"Well would you look at this." Thomas called with a faint smile and walked over to sit beside Edward, who had jumped in surprise by the sudden appearance, "All out here on your own. You're certainly getting better with that stick."

"Well, I can't take full credit. Nurse crawly walked me to the door; I needed some air." There was something about the dull tone of his voice that made Thomas stomach clench uncomfortably and his mouth tug its way into a frown. Edwards's eyes were blank and sad as ever, lips formed in a tight line but he looked different from his usual sunken self…like a man preparing himself for battle, nerves and bent up energy was practically rolling of his skin.

"Be a lad and pass a cigarette, Major Barrow."

"Didn't know you smoked lieutenant Courtenay." He said with a chuckle that came out sounding more nervous than he would like. But with Edwards distressing mood that had been showing ever since the events of that afternoon, Thomas was becoming increasingly worried. He dug in his pocket for his pack of cigarettes.

"Life's too short to delay experiences." He replied .Thomas lit his cigarettes for him before taking out another one for himself. Edward drew it to his mouth with shaking hands, inhaling and blowing it out, his breath shaking almost as if he was sobbing.

"What's that supposed to mean?" taking in another lung full of smoke for himself, eyes narrowed and heart shrivelling for the unassuming wounded man.

"Nothing, I...nothing at all." He shook his head, hanged it for a second then lifted it to the sky, eyes wide and jaw shaking.

"You know it's going to be alright, really." Thomas placed a hand on Edward's shoulder. He wasn't good at comforting, having no one meant he never needed to .It wasn't as if anyone would ever want comfort from him, what with him being the usual felon and cause of distress. And quite frankly, ever since now, Thomas had never wanted to comfort anyone.

This depressed lonely man needed him in a way he never thought anyone would need him and it made him feel…whole. He wanted nothing more than to make Edward smile that special way he did very rarely, but increasingly more and more often. But now, Thomas thought as he looked at him (and oh how he loved looking at him), all his hopes were dashed and destroyed and he was back again to the man Thomas first meet. Hopelessly lost and miserable.

"…is a wonderful place, not that I've been there myself," Thomas continued, "but they can help you become the person you once were and to prove to your family that brought you down wrong. Your priorities right now are to get better."

"So I can do what?" he let out a bitter laugh, "sit at home, rotting throughout the day, letting life pass me by. Having no purpose or contribution. Nothing. There is no point in me living." he hissed through clenched teeth and if Thomas were a weaker man he's sure he would have taken a step back at the sheer venom in his voice. His eyes did widen though, but he really shouldn't have been surprised to hear this. Deep down Thomas knew Edward was hampering these dark thoughts like a mist in his brain, a fog covering all possible hope and if anything it made Thomas want to cry or scream or even both.

Instead he shook Edward's shoulders staring intently into his misty blue eyes. "Have you gone mad? Do you hear what you're saying? Of course you have reason to live. You will get better and never will you sit at home doing nothing! It might take some time at first but you'll see...you'll…you'll be running the farm you've always wanted. Fishing, hunting and all the other inane things that come with it, you hear me?" Thomas realized his voice was becoming desperate, but he didn't care ,hoping to god the message got through to the other man.

"Hearing is all I seem to be able to do lately." He said with a bitter twist if his lip and all consideration and compassion fell out the window because suddenly Thomas was angry. Full to the brim enraged.

"How dare you!" he hissed and was satisfied when Edward jumped and snapped his head in his direction, the familiar rush of anger and maliciousness was comfortingly familiar to Thomas. "How dare you sit there and tell me you've given up. I thought you were a better man than to let your life go to nothing. To willingly let people stand all over you and give up at the slightest sign of a challenge. I respected you for your courage to live with your condition but look at you now." he hated how tearful he was starting to sound. "Heaven forbid you take a compliment or an encouragement to the heart. And I'll be damned if I let you leave this hospital with a mind frame of a widower on the wrong side of sanity. Do you understand Edward Courtenay?"

Edward blinked several times as if he couldn't register what Thomas had just said before nodding numbly.

Thomas let go of his shoulder and covered his face with his palms, elbows on knees. They finished their cigarettes in relative silence for a while, both lost in thoughts.

"You shouldn't drive yourself into such a frenzy Thomas." He said quietly and sighed, "If...if you knew what I did, you wouldn't care for me at all. Hate me in fact. So save your energy for someone better."

Thomas looked up from his palms before leaning his head on one hand, eyebrow quirking in morbid curiosity.

"And what, pray tell, could be so dreadful that I could actually hate you?" he whispered.

"Sometimes I think this...this blindness is a way of god punishing me for what I've done. I-"

"Punishing…?" Thomas sat up, feeling utterly dumbfounded, "What on earth are you talking about?"

"Just-just let me finish will you." He muttered running a hand through his curls, "I don't have much to lose by telling you this anyway. I'll be gone soon, and really even if you were to report me, prison wouldn't be much different to where I'm going."

Thomas wanted to interpret but stopped himself.

"I'm not like other people….ever since I could remember I stood out like a sore thump, an abomination if you will. I've tried to stop it, god believe me I have, but nothing, nothing I do changes the way I think. And I know it's ghastly but I just can't..." he made a pained sound before burying his face in his hands.

"What is?" Thomas whispered, heart pounding in his ears, but some part of him already knew the answer, the self-loathing and anger were all too familiar, like a scene from his past.

"I think of things…of doing things I shouldn't. I think of men in…in sexual manners... "He spat out like it pained him to do so and for a moment Thomas felt like there was not enough air to breath , "and I know it's wrong.'' He said in a rush as if trying to redeem himself, ' and I know I shouldn't. But I can't. I've tried, oh trust me I have…but It wasn't right. And I know that I am a disgrace. I'm not worth all that…all that worry and stress you put yourself through, so please just stop."

All was silent for a while, Thomas noticed Edward hands were shaken and his unseeing eyes fixed itself to the sky. Thomas couldn't wrap his mind around what he just heard even if he tried and was suddenly feeling quite faint.

"You really think what you're doing is a disgrace?" A bitter laugh broke loose without his permission and he noticed Edwards eyes widen in shock, "If you think that even deems worthy enough for disgust and shame then you clearly don't know the meaning of the word." He turned to face the man more fully even though Edward couldn't see him. "Do you think I have to honour to claim with full faithfulness that I've served my country and fought for it, to hold my injury with pride as a sign of bravery, self-sacrifice for the sake of our country? You, on the other hand, can hold that knowledge to the heights of esteem and anyone who dare suggest you are a disgrace, no matter what you did or would ever do, can go shove it. You gave your life to the war and it's more than I can say for most supposedly respectable men. You are more of a man than I could ever be; because I bloody well injured myself out of cowardliness. So don't you ever say such horrid things about yourself or how you feel, better gay than a self-assured coward."

He couldn't bear to look at Edward after his outburst, opting to stare at the ground and whip his tears away hastily.

"You're not a coward." He heard Edward whisper.

"What?" he looked up at Edwards gaping face, Edward blinked a couple of times before shaking his head and continuing.

"Bravery isn't the absence of fear. It's a natural human reaction….so don't tell me I don't know what and what is not disgraceful when you clearly have it just as muddled up."

"That…that isn't the point right now. Forget me." He shook his head and placed both his hands on Edward's shoulders. "You need to understand that there is nothing wrong with who you are. You are no worse than the common man and fuck the prat who dare call you so. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"No need for crudeness Mr Barrow..." he sounded rather faint. "Why are you saying all this? Don't you care?"

"I'm a lot of things but a hypocrite is not one of them." he told him gently, nervous smile slowly forming.

It took a second for the words to register in Edwards mind, and he frowned in confusion before what Thomas was saying, what his wards actually meant dawned on him. His eyes widened, mouth forming in a silent 'oh'.

"You can't possibly mean… is this some horrid joke you've decided to play on me or are you dragging me into a false sense of security before doing a runner and calling the police?"

"No,no,no..." he said in a rush and cupped the man's cheek and by god did it feel wonderful, "I mean it. I've known this about myself for so long and like many of my faults this is one that I will never be ashamed of. And you shouldn't be either. Do you think you're the only person in the world like this? It's who we are and if the world doesn't want to accept it then who needs them."

"I never would have thought you of all people were…I thought you were taking a fancy to Nurse Crawley for heaven sake!"

"Nurse Crawly?" Thomas burst out with laughter, "God no! Haven't you noticed all the sexual advances I've been giving you ever since I was lucky enough to be intrusted in your care." The teasing grin in his voice was obvious but his words were not all true. For the first time that he could remember he wasn't going out of his way to touch another man for the soul purpose of sexual attraction, it was different with Edward, he cared for him in a way that was all too sudden and terrifying, but comforting in the same time.

" You are a man with no shame Thomas Barrow." He chided but laughed along with him.

"I've never meet someone like me before." Edward continued, "Sometimes I even doubted there was anyone else."

"People like you and I need to watch out for the signs more closely."

"Ah," he quirked an amused eyebrow that had Thomas knees feeling quit weak and his heart pound hard, "So what have my signs been telling you?"

"Well you were a tricky one I tell you I'll tell you that. I thought it was near impossible to read you."

"Well then, that makes one of us at least. "He was positive beaming, and oh how Thomas had missed that smile, "I thought I was so obvious, practically latching myself on to you… I always worried that I was being too obvious around people but never with you. You make me feel safe and..." his eyebrows knitting together. "I've never seen you before put I've wanted to touch you so much.'' He placed a hand over the one on his cheek. '' I'm sorry, am I being too forward?"

"No, not by a long shot." He whispered before leaning in.

Edward gasped in surprise but slowly melted into the kiss, hand resting on Thomas's shoulders. He tasted like faint cigarettes, but over layered with something richer. Suddenly, in the comfort and security of their privacy, everything seemed perfect.

They kissed slowly and languidly before parting with a small pop. Thomas bit his lip trying to hold down his grin to no avail, he couldn't remember the last time he smiled so wide that his cheeks actually hurt. Edward's cheeks were flushed with a light pink reflecting off the dim light, but the smile on his face was so bright.

"Was that okay?"

"More so than I could ever have thought." His voice was breathless and he felt his way up to the back of Thomas's neck before pulling him in for another kiss, this time harder and desperate.

But then he pulled away abruptly and Thomas would have been embarrassed at the way he whimpered if he was in any condition to think. "I do hope you're not…simply kissing me just because I'm attracted to men…'' Edward said, breathing heavily. ''Only I want it to mean more than that. Do you understand where I'm getting at or am I just talking nonsense?"

"No you're not." Thomas replied, leaning his head against the other man's shoulder and taking both his hands in his own. He smiled when Edward tightened his grip, there entwined hands pressed between their bodies and Edward rested his cheek against his hair. "I wouldn't want this if that's all it was." God knows his had enough of those, "I really do care for you Edward and I want us to be together." He chuckled lightly at how sentimental he sounded. "But only if you promise not to have any of those stupid thoughts about this being wrong."

"How could I have any thoughts like that about you?" He said, though his smile looked pained, "But I…don't see how this can possibly work. Ignoring the fact that were practically felonies now, I'll be at Farley Hall by tomorrow , so we can't possibly see each other and if you were to write to me I can't exactly have the staff read your letters aloud and even if-"

Thomas interrupted him before he could get too winded up, he was practically close to tears as it was, "Just stop will you Edward. Come now," he cupped his cheeks, "I know you have good reason to be pessimistic about all this, especially that life's been so unfair to you lately."

"It's more than just pessimism Thomas." He said, sounding frustrated.

"But_ I'm_ not worried .About any of this, believe me I'm not. Because I know that now that I actually have you I won't let anything get between us."

"But-"

"Have a little faith in me Edward" he whispered, hoping his sincerity was clear, "I know it seems impossible now but I promise I will come and see you as soon as I can and we'll figure it out. We'll come up with something. I'll write to you, even though I can't write down everything I would want to. Can you please just trust me?"

"I trust you." He assured Thomas, smiling as best as he could and the mere thought seemed to melt something hard, cold and heavy inside his heart. Because it was true, he trusted Thomas, and maybe that's all that he really needed.

All was not entirely well, he was still blind, he was still leaving to the convalescent home but for once, all did not seem lost, for once he wasn't looking at the future in disdain and it took him a second to realize what this feeling was. Hope.

Thomas helped him into bed, clasping his hand as he did so. He must have turned off the bedside lamp at some point because he leaned down for a kiss before saying goodnight, a smile in his voice. As his footsteps slowly faded, Edward squished his face into his pillow, grinning fit to burst, memories of Thomas's words and the feel of his hands and his lips rushing through his mind ,giving him the overwhelming urge to laugh in joy .

When he shifted around on his bed he felt a hard lump under his pillow and lifted it to inspect, only to come in contact with something sharp, smooth and ice cold.

A razor blade.

The one he had discreetly snuck in while the nurses where distracted earlier, the one he had been planning to use. He lost all colour in his face and held on to it in a white-knuckled grip. He remembered the feeling of raw desperation and despair he had felt, that now seemed like a foggy distant memory and he clapped a hand over his mouth in horror, the knowledge of what he was going to do in his desperation hitting him like bricks.

Carefully he took the sharp object to the back of his bedside draw.

Sinking back against his pillows, with his arms wrapped around his waist, he tried not to think of the seemingly innocent object in his draw and for the first time in a long while he let himself think of his future with something that wasn't pessimism but hope that man that he could so easily love had given him. The vivid images of the last thing he ever say did not enter his dreams that night. There was no blood or death or explosions or fear. Instead he entered a blissful slumber that could only be achieved at totally serenity and contentment. A feeling he almost forgot he could have.

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_Thank you so much for reading! R&R would be much appreciated!_


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